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Simple Rules

February 5th, 2006 by epoyz

I was walking past a magazine store and i noticed that the new FHM issue was out. i moved closer to check out who’s on the cover. camille prats? what is she, like, 13 years old? double-checking, turns out she’s old enough to do it, so, there you go. damn, i’m old. what does doc aga have to say about this, i wonder? it’s all going too fast, first  i see paolo contis and boy2 quizon all grown up, cruisin’ for chicks and smoking and shit, which i thought then was still okay, but seeing camille prats on a borderline sleazy mag (which i regularly buy) made me realize that time really does fly. but that’s when you’re having fun, right? i want my fun, dammit!

i would hate to be sitting in front of my computer screen, reading the news and stuff, 20-25 years from now and my daughter would ask, "dad, can i pose for this magazine?", to which i would instantly reply: "op kors, anak. hintayin mo lang muna ako mamatay."

all these made me think of john ritter’s psycho dad character in  "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter". no disrespect to mr. ritter (and may God rest his soul) but his character would seem weak to the "dad" inside my head, formulatin’ rules and preparing and planning. yup, i don’t have kids yet but if i ever do have a daughter, i’m primed.

 

i wouldn’t go as far as doing a martin lawrence and will smith act in bad boys 2, i’m going for a more calculated approach. for one thing i hate guns and no one should be allowed to brandish a firearm to scare anyone. but you have to bring a strong message across: Mr. Epoy don’t play so you better not fuck with ‘im.

 

it’s been a running joke between me and my friends whenever someone announces a baby on the way, that a girl would mean atonement for past sins. hey, we’re just kidding around, girls, it don’t mean that me and my friends were/are players or anything (wink,wink, you guys know who you are…) it’s just that we know how difficult it would be for fathers-to-be to have a healthy heart and teenage daughters at the same time. indeed, we are scared shitless, because we were on the other side once and we know this for a fact: walang mabait na lalaki. takot, mapagpanggap, magaling umarte, meron. a man with a pure heart? come on..

so, for my male friends who already have daughters (or have daughters on the way), listen up. time will fly by, so do not waste the next 10 years and start preparin’. write this shit down.

first impressions are crucial. if your daughter introduces a male "friend" or "classmate", "study group member", whatever, ask him directly for his whole name and lock him in a death stare. make the kid feel like he’s staring into the eyes of Death himself and in a cold voice ask him: "ano pangalan mo? yung buong pangalan mo pati apelyido, hindi palayaw lang." when he tells you do not, i repeat, do not break eye contact. after his reply maintain the death stare until the boy looks down or away. once he does that follow it up with "pagbutihin nyo pag-aaral nyo, ha.." then walk away without saying a word.

some boys have big balls, you have to be aware of that. remember how you were back then, you’d reason that if you show the pops how clean your intentions were towards his daughter, then you will have a very good shot of getting his approval?

 

eliminate this concept from the boy’s mind from the get-go.

my youngest brother (he’s 16) once asked me for advice on how to tell his girlfriend’s parents that they were going out. brazen child, i thought. there’s no correct way of doing that, fool. you’d be better off doing covert ops. okay, i said, tell me what you have in mind, we’ll have a practice dialogue, i’ll be your girlfriend’s father and sell me your crap. we went back and forth, he tried his best on appealing his case, i kept interrupting him with hard-hitting questions, he desperately tried to stay afloat but in the end, he just sat there with nothing else to say. he then decided to leave the father out and talk to the mom instead. that way he figured he may have a chance.

if a boy ever finds the set of cojones to ask you straight up if he can date your daughter, that he only has the cleanest of intentions and all that shit, answer him along these lines: if you’re willing to have a transponder chip surgically implanted in your body, then by all means, yes. that’s right, my friends, the technological advances in the next 10 years will be awesome and you should make them work for you. satellite cams on your cellphones  is but a few years away and it will be on like 24, kiefer. no more of this globe and smart cellphone tracker shit. it will be cracklin’ like Spy Games, G. you’d be like "hey, kid, i’ve been reviewin’ your transponder logs and i noticed that you’ve been spendin’ a lot of time in the bathroom in the morning last week. what is up with that? you better not be spankin’ the monkey too much, dog, get those thoughts outta your head if you’re seeing my baby girl…"

of course you don’t want your daughter to hate you, bro, so you better not be acting too thuggish and loud, embarassing her and shit. don’t be confrontational, APPEAR reasonable and just be prepared for anything. play nice, but as soon as she’s no longer looking put your game face on. if you’re talking to her male friends you have to maintain a calm exterior, at the same time try to exude a quality in your personality that you will indeed fuck him up if he plays around.

don’t be chatty or be investigative or overly inquisitive. the less you talk the better it is for your image. remember, you don’t play around. if the two of you are left in the room, let the tension build up. don’t say nothin’ or start an inquisition. nothing is more potent than nerve-wracking silence. and oh, it would help a lot if you stare at the boy coldly while saying nothing. never in any circumstance engage in small talk, accept light banter or joke around with the boy. and you may want to time your occasional drink with the boy’s visit, appearing drunk and highly volatile. my friend neil’s grandfather once confronted his aunt’s then-suitor when he got home after a night’s drinking: "nanliligaw ka sa anak ko?".."uhm, opo…".."tuli ka na ba?".."o-opo..".."patingin nga."

any boy who shows up at your place must have his presence announced to you and wifey, and when he’s leaving he better let you know, too. all this is self-explanatory. a lot of kids today forget this simple courtesy and it’s wrong.

 

don’t let a boy talk to your daughter on the phone for more that five minutes. a lot of shit goes down through the phone, you know that. amputate that possibility. it’s virtually impossible, but you know the tricks because you’ve done ‘em yourself. you’ll find a way. if you’re going to give your daughter a cellphone don’t go prepaid, you must be able to monitor who calls her and who she calls and sends text messages to. an extension of your landline in your bedroom is an effective deterrent for those late night phone call "trysts". work those phone records like the feds.

 

if a boy shows up at your place, be it a friend or a boyfriend, trying to show off muscled arms or string beans wearing sleeveless shirts or shit like that, take this as an affront to your fatherhood. make like you’re ready to smack him on the head and tell him "boy, umuwi ka muna at magkamiseta ka bago ka dumalaw sa anak ko." you see this shit around malls? boys taking girls out to dinner and movies wearing fucking undershirts? and what’s up with those low-rise jeans showing off their Kevin Bacon underwear? hey, if a boy doesn’t respect your daughter enough to dress up for their date, kick his ass back home. word up.

i see all these boys disrespecting their girlfriends in public by being overly affectionate, kissing them in the neck and shoulders while on the escalator, their sleazy hands wandering around their waists and borderline-groping their butt. if you catch someone doing this to your daughter, gut him like a fish and fuck him up. period. i once saw a client’s daughter with his boyfriend in a cinema’s foyer while waiting for the next screening and man, that boy was plain as day going to town, kissing and groping and shit. i know it’s none of my business, but the girl is only fifteen, and that boy was taking advantage of her being confused and new to this thing, being "in love". i wanted to ring her father and tell him "anonymous tip: mr. G., manyakis ang bf ng anak mo..".."sino ‘to? teka, nabobosesan kita! epoy? si epoy ba ‘to?".." nagkakamali kayo, hindi ako ito." *click*.

listen, i don’t encourage my younger brothers to be disrespectful to women, and i’ll be the first one to lay the smackdown on them if i ever catch them being that way to their girlfriends in public. that  shit is unacceptable.

 

oh well, i guess i’ve been watching a lot of these family shows lately. i see a lot of things that are wrong and i go "that shit is not going to fly when i’m in charge!". that’s why i’m trying to prepare, i know i’ll screw up a lot but at least i wasted a lot of time thinking about it. honestly, i can’t wait to match wits with these teenage boys. it will sure be a lot of fun.

 

me and my brothers once saw this on the backflap of a jeep:

"girls, be careful to your beauty,

specially to your body

because cats are too many

to destroy your personality."

o ha?

i probably don’t know what i’m talking about, being a single person
and  all, but i guess the gist is this: our generation has only
recently been coming to terms with the fact that this shit called life
is real, and we’ve only just begun trying to adjust. we’re getting old
fast, we’re starting to bring people in this world and we must be
vigilant and responsible and careful. we can’t be caught up too much
with providing a better future for them, become too busy with work and
our careers, we have to be real parents. always. it’s not fair but we
have to watch over them constantly, too. kids are smart, but kids are
stupid. it’s going to take a lot of work and we must accept that. don’t
bring kids into this world because they are cute and cuddly and
lovable. if you don’t watch out at five years old they’ll start to
become absolute hellspawns and mess up your life, so you have to be
active in shaping their lives for them. don’t raise brats, teach them
lessons that will prepare them for the real world. don’t make life too
easy for them, either. don’t confuse nurturin’ with neuterin’.

i apologize for another long blog entry. a lot that went down last saturday really depressed me, and i felt that writing about other things will really help me because i’m too tired of putting people on blast. i’m still waiting for conrado de quiros’ next article, since his last three have been awesome. you can find it all here, here and here.

"this is not really happening.

you bet your life it is."

          - "Cornflake Girl", Tori Amos from Under The Pink

 

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2 Responses to ' Simple Rules '

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  1.   Durden said,

    on February 8th, 2006 at 1:57 am

    demit bro, i chanced upon your blog and it scared the livin hell outta me… gots mah lil girl here… ur right dude, am in for some rough times… damn the male specie!
    bwahahah!
    peace brother!!!

  2.   Riza said,

    on December 16th, 2006 at 5:14 am

    great page

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