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dog years

August 5th, 2005 by epoyz

     exchanged text messages with this guy last wednesday regarding my boy, chandler the beagle. apparently he visited our shop, saw my dog and was interested in "stud services". he was asking me how i much i charge for stud fees and all that. see, apart from being ignorant about this practice ( i’m no breeder and i know squat about these things..) i was really taken aback because i wasn’t really prepared to hear that chandler is all grown up and ready to, uhm, spread his seeds. the man said his beagle was in heat and if we agree on something he and his girl-dog will be coming around this saturday. turns out chandler’s "dance partner" is an older gal and has experience to boot.

     now i have an idea why the phrase " lucky dog " was invented.

i’m looking at chandler now, wondering if he’ll be up to the task, because he’s only one-and-a-half. he’s just looking up at me, alarmed that i’m staring at him, so he gives me this look like he’s saying, "what’s up with you, dog?".. i’m more inclined to think that he has no idea that his life is going to change tomorrow, and barring any glitches he will become a father at a very young age.

     now, back to the negotiation of this "stud fee" the guy keeps telling me.

only, there never was any actual negotiation. apart from my ineptitude and being unprepared to hear that my boy is all grown up, i just thought: hey, if you’re gonna let my dog score on your dog and you’ll pay me on top of that, i absolutely have no problem with the whole thing. so i told the guy to just give me an offer and i’ll take it, just give me whatever he thinks is fair. he just asked if chandler is registered, told him yes, asked how old he is, i said one and a half. the last question he threw my way caught me offguard again: is he proven?

     proven? proven?

     i’ll admit i was a bit offended, because i wanted to answer "pimp, my dog will impregnate the hell out of your bitch, and your cat, too.  word up."

     with just a bit of jab at my pride for my boy, i answered : "well, it’s going to be his first time doing this." i don’t know exactly what to feel at that moment when i gave my answer. are they going to back out now? i really have no problem if they do, it’s just that i felt a bit bad for my dog at the prospect of being rejected. turns out they weren’t backing out. being "unproven" just affects the stud fee bar, with him having no "hits" on his rap sheet. told him i won’t be demanding compensation anyway until he’s sure that chandler successfully plants his seeds, so he went and offered us a thousand bucks. not really sure if the guy’s stiffing me or what, but feeling the way that i feel about the whole thing, i agreed.

     so. my boy’s all grown up. i’m a bit excited for him. tomorrow he’s going to hide the salami. he’s stuffing the thanksgiving turkey. he’s gonna take the log to the beaver. he’s gonna be putting the hotdog in the bun. he’s putting the breadstick in the oven. put the jelly filling in the donut. sorry about that. if you watched "grumpy old men" you’ll notice that i got those from burgess meredith.

     i hope chandler is big enough to mount the older lady-dog, i’d hate it if he encounters a mismatch like this one.

     jen finally breaks her silence about brad. used to be on brad’s side on this because i’ve been hearing that she’s the one who isn’t keen on starting a family. pitt, you bastard. i specifically told you that if you break her heart i’ll hunt you down like the dog you are and kick your ass. aherm.. lost it for a while there.

     and in the nba, the biggest, most complicated trade in history just went down. i wasn’t aware that trades can get as complicated as this, now i’m not even attempting to understand how they balanced the whole thing out.

     in china, an exhibition match between the chinese men’s basketball team and puerto rico’s contingent turned into an ugly brawl. good thing no one threw a tea cup or a hot dumpling or something.

     and, according to charlie murphy, there won’t be a third season of the chappelle show on tv. come on guys, say it ain’t so.

     sad to hear about willie green’s injury, which happened before he was set to sign a big extension deal. to think, if there wasn’t a moratorium on the free agent signings, the deal would’ve come through. i just wish he just waited until the contracts are signed, like his teammate ashton kutcher who played tennis instead, but we never really know what will happen, do we? he probably got injured for wanting himself to get better prepared for next season, and life threw him a curve ball. i hope he comes all the way back.

     mig ayesa will still be rocking on in rockstar:inxs, while tara got the boot. i think he’s strong enough to be in the final four.

     well, have a great weekend, kids.

     " in my dream i was drowning my sorrows, but my sorrows they learned to swim.."

          - "Until The End of the World" , U2 from Achtung Baby

     damn.

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